i tried something that utterly failed.
i tried to perform an anonymous act, and anonymity failed me.
i wanted to release something… to say something… to put something out there as part of a struggle to let go.
i have made lots of mistakes. i have hurt a lot of people. i thought at least the pain was all mine now, but in an effort to heal some of my own conflict i created even more.
feeling misunderstood and bitter regret are neck-and-neck in a race through my soul. and there is nothing i can do. there is no explaining things away. only i know the real intention, and that’s just not enough.
learning where to put ugliness that can’t be put anywhere at all is a puzzle. learning where to put pain that can’t be erased is a mystery.
apparently, i’m still in the business of making mistakes. big ones.
it’s all about self. i have to learn to put myself completely aside. as long as i make me important, i will continue to hurt inside and hurt the ones i love.
please, Jesus, i beg you. show me how to die.