ashes

i have so many things to say to you
but you are gone
an utterly forever kind of gone
even knowing
this gone-ness
as intimately as i do now
some time later
(fading
subsiding
any small relief
not being something
you can request when it comes
to heart
soul
and such)
doesn’t create
acceptance
doesn’t ease
discomfort
and there is no hiding
without the masks
so i write to you
ballpoint pen
on thick
innocently white
unlined paper
wording agony in sentences
weaving apology through
preposition-dotted
rhythmless
lines of inability
inadequacy
and impossibility
missing you
in letter combinations
and strings of dots
to fill what
words will not
cannot
i write
and then
i give it to the fire
i feed us to the flame
i offer up this missive
to cremation by reality
you can never know
and now it’s just
ashes
and smoke

ashes|2015
ashes|2015
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