aroundaround

something spins

mind

or feet

going nowhere

or traveling

toward something 

new

beautiful

catastrophic 

cycling

like anything in this crazy life

can mean

such different things

  

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self

i finally see it

light came on

in midnight-dark

preluding dawn itself

it’s been me all along

crying from pain

i wove myself

with fibers pulled

from each selfish choice

aching fractures

in my bones

from collision

with me

what i want

crashing

into what i take

wrestling

with the noise in my head

but always

me

me

me

and now i sit

broken apart

alone

me

observing

the carnage

forgiving me

letting me go

  

24th

one

i can’t breathe

two

i can’t stop the tears

or breathe

three

i paste on a smile

take shallow breaths by sheer will

rejoin the world

as a stranger

four

i take a deep breath

exhale too

without wanting to throw up

five

forever seems impossible

joy quavers

a distant memory

six

today i can’t do it

tomorrow seems unlikely

seven

i laugh sometimes

i stay sober

by choice

late at night

i am flooded with remembering

left gasping for air

eight

i wonder if i am alone

in all this grief

nine

i smile more

and often mean it

my memory is still sharp

like a knife

that slips into my heart

when i forget 

and let the armor fall

my head is clear

my heart remains

where it was

when i learned to love

  

riptide

it comes at funny times

not haha just weird

emotion scooting along

or riding waves like

a blonde chiseled form

who makes even utter surfing failure

bailing headlong into the surf

look enviably free

so when it comes

those darkened waves

climbing

capping

crashing

i stand on a board

i don’t possess

attempt a difficult skill i’ve never learned

and i fail

waves pulverizing untrained

unhardened

unremorseful

me

sucking me out into lost

  

chaff

he chugs down the highway

in a blue striped pick-up

too old to be stylish

too new to be charming

bales of golden straw

clumsily wedged in back

tied

yet shedding yellow confetti

because no binding

can hold

what is determined

to be free